Getting to the other side – part 1

Grief is a multitude of emotions. We grieve all sorts of things. The loss of loved ones, pets, material possessions, and so much more. One thing we don’t often talk about is the grieving the loss of a person who is still here.

I went through this when my marriage ended. It in turn led me to go through a journey of healing and finding myself.

It took me a long time to forgive him and give grace. I often hear from people who wonder how that is possible. My response is simple.

The person I fell in love with was a facade. However; he did bless me with the most amazing child.

For our son who is a beautiful soul, I am so very thankful.

He also taught me that I need to heal from trauma before getting into another relationship. I had not healed from my last relationship which was physically and mentally abusive. This is what allowed me to accept that what we had was not only real, but what I deserved.

Once I gave birth to our son I woke up. Now I don’t suggest having a child to help you realize what is important and what is ok and not ok, but it was certainly my wake up call.

Things went south and he lost the control I had so freely given away due to a lack of self esteem and self respect.

I woke up.

Nothing was more important than keeping our little guy safe and making sure he had all he needed.

So I learned to forgive my ex-husband. It is not an easy journey, but it can be done. Being bitter does not do myself or our son any good.

I want to teach our son that love and kindness is the way to go, even when things don’t work out.

Open communication is the only way to make sure you are really heard.

The only person I ever lost and needed back was me

We as a society are so wrapped up in the American Dream. You know the one with the perfect house and a white picket fence. Don’t forget the perfect spouse and the 2.5 kids.

Life isn’t always that simple and that dream is not everyone’s dream.

The plan

When I was in my 20’s I had every intention (and the funds) to purchase a house to call home. The plan was to buy the house and go see the world.

You see for me, life had already been hard (I will tell that story another day), and I was looking for a way to find myself and a way to run away.

The distraction

I met a guy who was funny and charming. He told me he had a good job and all of the other things I wanted to hear.

I was broken and clung to every part of that. I clung to to it all. Ignoring every red flag.

I thought I had found that dream. Although I had been told when I was 14 that I couldn’t have children of my own, it was ok because I had found a man who didn’t seem concerned.

A few months into our romantic relationship, I took 6 pregnancy tests after a period of feeling rundown. I had just assumed I was burnt out. I was working a lot, going to school, and helping to take care of my mother. I was so wrong, because each one of those 6 tests said the same thing. I was pregnant.

Again still ignoring all of the red flags, I continued in this relationship. I also continued to allow myself to stay broken.

The awakening

After our son was born, actually the day he was born. I began to see all of the things I didn’t allow myself to see before. The things I pushed aside, the things my friends and family had pointed out and I continued to ignore.

Once that precious baby boy was in my arms, I could see so clearly.

Things didn’t get better. We got married anyway, because marriage is the magical fix right ?

It’s not.

I began to find my voice again, because our son didn’t have one. So I began to speak up for both of us.

Alcohol, lies, gaslighting. None of it is ok, and I was not going to tolerate it anymore.

Do you know what happens when you won’t stand for any of that anymore?

Your whole world unravels. They leave. They continue to make you feel like it’s your fault.

The recovery, finding hope

Still broken. I sat on my couch and cried. I didn’t know what to do next. Then my 3 year old walked into the room. He looked at me and asked if I was crying. He asked why I was sad.

That moment I found strength I had never had before. I wiped my face, smiled and promptly told him no. I had no reason to cry.

We became #teammommythomas from that moment on.

I began finding myself again. I started this blog.

Don’t get me wrong , this journey is not easy and it is far from over.

But so far I have found that I am determined, resilient, a love of martial arts, and a beacon of hope for others who feel like they are alone.

You are not alone , and if you have lost yourself, God knows exactly where you left you.

The comeback…. a post for another day

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