Every couple struggles with something right?
It’s been about 12 years since I forgot who I was. Since my spirit was broken.
I put my blinders on and I just accepted my day to day life.
I told no one , I hid everything. I let him let people think that it was me reacting to nothing.
Oh but the things they did not see or hear.
The last straw was when my shoulder and my head hit the dresser and then listening to the mattress get thrown down the stairs.
It was as if when that mattress stopped moving, all of his anger had gone from his body.
He knew I wasn’t going to let him near me this time. He knew as I sobbed on the floor screaming for him to stay away that I was done. He knew he couldn’t just say he was sorry.
I didn’t know what to do, so I locked myself in that room and waited for daylight.
I mustered up the courage not long after to pack my things and leave.
The next year I started working on a few things, this included starting martial arts.
I have done Muay Thai off and on now for about 12 years.
After 2 (yes I said 2) toxic relationships back to back, I found myself healing with every punch. It has taken me 6 years to refind myself and to talk about things in more detail.
One thing I could never bring myself to do was to roll. To do jiujitsu. Being that close to someone else while training on takedowns, chokes, holds, and more I just found myself triggered.
A few weeks ago I made the decision to start.
Today was my first jiujitsu class.
Not only was I proud of how far I’ve come, but my son who knows none of why I didn’t roll was also so proud of me.
While he didn’t (and still doesn’t) know my reasons, he knew it was something I was fearful of trying.
I thought when I broke free and started healing ; how empowering that felt.
For me- in the healing – in the journey – tonight I felt the most empowered I have felt in a long time.
So while martial arts isn’t for everyone, it is a major part of my journey.
Happy Monday y’all- be well 🤙